Post Operative Bloopers - Black Comedy in Real Life - Part the Second

I found another piece I wrote while in Mt Sinai Hospital, recovering from my last surgery.  Even in the midst of the most painful circumstances, humour may be found.  

Part I

Mt Sinai Hospital, Toronto, Ontario.

February 28, 2011, 12:26pm

What follows is a true-to-life, nearly word-for-word and action-for-action account of a patient's latest recovery episode at Mt. Sinai hospital.  Again, what is written below is not meant to disparage any person or any organization, it is simply written to illustrate, from a patient’s perspective, the numerous and crazy difficulties one can endure while in hospital.  Any likeness to real-life individuals is probably true, and most likely not fictional.

[Insert Law and Order "buh buh" sound].

Pain Scenario Part 1:

Nurse: "Good morning Mr. Wilson, we are going to remove drainage tuning from your stomach."

Paul(concerned): "I am feeling a lot of pain in that area; the pain meds you gave me are not going to be enough."

Nurse: "No, they are enough."

Paul: "No, they are not. I am in pain right now so if you were to yank it out now I will be screaming."

Nurse: "I am sorry but the pain pills we gave you are enough."
Paul: "Look, if you yank this thing out and see my fist flying in the direction of your face, you will know I needed more pain pills. PLEASE give me more as I am still in pain!"

Nurse: "No, you wouldn't do that; i'll just start to remove sutures so we can yank it out."
(starts snipping sutures)

Paul: " Well no, I am not that kind of guy but I am trying to tell you that I need more pain meds to deal with-- (nurse slightly presses on site)

OUCH!!!!!!"

Paul (exasperated): "I am TELLING you I am in pain, and if you are going to remove this, I need more meds!"

Nurse (starting to slowly pull on tube): "No I am sorry but what I have given you is enough and--"

Paul: "OOOOOOUUUUUUCCCCCHHHHHHHH, AAAHHHHH! Look, can you see that I am hurting here??? My apologies for yelling but need more pain meds before you do this!!!"

Nurse (Male nurse, in case you are wondering about my fist flying comment): (Reluctantly, shocked): "Well I'll have a chat with the Doctors to see if we can up your pain meds for this one time. I'll give you your regular meds at 1:30, shot at 2:00, and we'll remove the tube at 2:30."

Paul: (inaudibly sighs) "OK, thank you."

Part II

Mt Sinai Hospital, Toronto, Ontario.

February 28, 2011, 2:15pm

[Insert Law and Order "buh buh" sound].

Nurse: "Unfortunately we cannot give you a higher dosage than what you currently have."

Paul: "That is... Unfortunate."

Nurse: "Ok let's pull this thing out shall we.....? (concern etched in voice) You aren't really going to hit me, are you?"

Paul: "No, no... (sigh). I don't do that kind of stuff. Although I may pound the snot out of the hospital bed rail (reader's note: male nurse's lower half conveniently located two inches away from rail).

Nurse (relief):  "Oh, I see... Well let's pull this out (grabs hold of tube). So tell me, how long have you been working?"

Paul (slightly tense, but calm):  “Well I have been at my current job for four years and-- (nurse begins pulling on tube)

AAAAWWWWWWAAAAHHHHHH!!!!"

Nurse: "No-no, keep talking I am trying to distract you!"

Paul (inwardly thinking, "it is kinda obvious you are trying to distract me, but it it is not working!"):  "Aaaahhhhh... (body tensed, hands gripping bed sheets hard, in a pained, strained voice) Well I worked in another place 3.5 years prior to—(nurse yanks out tube from stomach; attached is an eight inch drainage filter, two centimetres wide).

YYYYEEEEEAAAAGRRRAAAAA AAAAS! GAAAAA!!!!"

Nurse: "There there, it is all over, you are OK!"

Paul (gritting teeth in much pain): "Yeah you may have pulled it out but the pain hasn't stopped!!!"

Nurse (with certainty in voice): "Well there is no blood, so you are OK." (Places gauze and applys pressure on site)

Paul: "That may be, but it still hurts like heck!!!! Grrrrrr!!!!" (gritting teeth)

Nurse (showing Paul the tube like it is some kind of prize):  "Wanna see the tube?"

Paul (a twinge of fascination):  "THAT was inside my stomach???  Wow."

(Nurse applies tape to gauze, walks out of room. Paul accesses Facebook to write what has just occurred)

Fin.